Sometimes we get stuck in this loop of letting the past dictate our future, but that doesn't have to happen. I know that, that isn't always easy and there can be bumps along the way but every time you fight a battle you become stronger, and each time you level up the next challenge become easier. If everything was easy from the start how would we learn to adapt and make something new? I thought a good example of this was the Draenei starting area and the Sylvari beginning story. In the Sylvari one you find out that you have a destiny and will be needed to fight a dragon, but you start out knowing nothing and having to learn as you go along.
In real life it may not be as easy to know where your story is supposed to go but eventually you find it. There is a path for everyone out there it just takes some time to know where you are supposed to go, and what your wyld hunt is. Whether you are just waking from a nightmare, or a crash, the future is more about what we make it, instead of who we've been. What do you want your story to be about? Do you want to fight the dragon, or the demon? Who do you want to be? Questions that can be hard to answer or maybe you've known your whole life, regardless of which, each experience can be your level up. One piece fitting into the next until you've built your dreams, until you've taken your story to where you want to be. If you are still finding your path that is okay, eventually you will know. Just take it one step at a time you don't get to max level (and know what you're doing, character boosts don't count :P) over night. The past happened in the past and even if there are still things that haunt you from it, you can keep moving forward. There is always a way to do so. You may need some time to heal, or hit road blocks along the way but that doesn't have to stop you. Part of it is hoping/believing, part is learning, and part of it is work. These things together can make your next chapter better than the last. How do you want your story to go?
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The old content is full of happy memories, and I especially like doing it now that companions can drop too. I get lonely sometimes but I'm also not much of a people person (I'm really more of an animal person). So doing the old content works for me and I can do it at my own pace. I have a lot of good memories about hardcore raiding but I know they've been romanticized and that my brain somehow forgets about all the wipes. I like being able to revisit these old raid without feeling constrained by time or unable to do other things along the way.
At a certain point I realized I didn't actually have to do the end game content (for a long time that was how I felt, that I had to do it) and when I started having to do it was the case because there weren't that many old raids I could solo, but as more and more expansions came, that changed. I like doing them because I like collecting things, while I don't do that in real life I really like doing that in video games and getting the achievements along the way. It makes me feel good knowing there is a set goal I can complete (sometimes life doesn't feel that easy, and has a lot more variables) so having that brings me a lot of joy when I feel like things can be uncertain. Even when they are certain it is nice to be able to check something fun off of my list. It gives that little boost of happy and I will take those where ever I can get them! My favorite thing about doing the old content is that I can stop whenever I want. I can come in and do a couple bosses then go afk and work on some stuff and go back and forth between those. It is similar to why I like the holiday events like Hallow's End so much because I can do a little bit get rewarded then stop whenever I want. I hope they continue to add more and more companions to the old raids so that I will continue to have a reason to do them but until then I still have a ways to go with more transmog pieces to find, mounts to drop, and companions to enjoy along the way! 4/17/2017 0 Comments Don't listen to the DemonFor a long time I thought my mind was just a jerk, I really did I was like why are you doing this to me?? Why would I treat myself like this when I can't fathom treating others this way, it took me a really long time to separate myself from thoaw demona. I used to picture it as a werewolf or vampire that I was haunted by and that would try to drag me down into the darkness and despair and I thought that was me. But it wasn't, it was whispers from all of the bad things that happened in my life. We can get so lost and wrapped up in the bad things that have happened that they become a new entity, and sometimes we can only really realize how haunted we were by it once we have a chance to step back and see it from someone else's perspective. I personally have carried around a lot of baggage stuff that was too heavy to lift at some points, so I just stayed stuck with it. Waiting for a kind soul to come along and help me pick it up.
The truth is until you separate yourself from these abusive thoughts that you cannot really deal with it, because when you believe you are the abuser you can't get away from that. You are stuck with yourself, so you have to let that light out inside yourself and believe in yourself. You have to trust in the idea that it isn't you and that things can change, that you can change your mind because it is your own and not an accumulation of those bad thoughts. It is easy to get conditioned by the bad things that you hear, especially if you hear them over and over again, but just because it is said many times doesn't give it validity. The truth is there regardless of whether it is known or not and you have to give yourself a chance to feel those good things and to realize all of the wonderful things about yourself. No matter what, you have something to offer the world that is beautiful, honest, and needed. Give yourself the chance to find out what that is. 4/16/2017 2 Comments Mother of Dragons in Conan ExilesI spawned the dragons on passive in Conan Exiles and they just kept following me around. It was weird because when my boyfriend spawned mobs (including dragons) they didn't follow him around & I haven't seen that happen before. I had to take a bunch of screenshots because I thought it was so cute, and they just kept watching me after I had logged off (sleepers are turned on, on our server (I looked at them on my boyfriend's computer XD)). I know they are video game mobs but I just thought it was so cute (and I swear it felt like they kept smiling at me XD). No matter where I went as long as I didn't get too far away they would just follow behind me like loyal dogs. As a side note the skin texture on my character is really amazing, and this is on low/medium settings. These are my dragons! The poor bone dragon got stuck in the floor. So they were just sitting there watching the whole time, but my other dragons were around. I think I want to make a little house and just keep some dragons in there... We are friends! I'm still not sure what their names should be but they definitely need to be something adorable! I should have had blond hair on my character, it would be even more fitting! Dragons, dragons everywhere!
Well to start My Own Prison by Creed was my favorite song, and it has a lot to do with how I envisioned my own prison to look. At one point I wanted to paint/draw it because there was something painfully beautiful about it, but another part of me never wanted to bring that prison into real life.
There were two different ways that I saw my prison, the first was this cage attached to a cliff, with bars that would electrocute me when I tried to touch them and vines around everything. The vines were holding me to the cliff, their thorns piercing my skin, and blood staining my beautiful, flowing white dress. Though I was in so much pain I would never scream, silent in my torment, and with every move to freedom I would cut myself deeper on each thorn. Locked away in this prison I would cry and was in so much torment that it felt like I was losing my mind. There was always something so haunted about this place and beyond the bars I saw nothing, just darkness, only my little cell was lit. The other place was this maze, the type of maze in the labyrinth but darker. There was no light cascaded in from the sky only wall lamps to guide the way. In the middle of this maze is where I was a giant tree looming over head and I was a child in another white dress, always too afraid to venture away from this giant tree. It kept me safe in my darkness, and was there to comfort me when I felt so alone. Anyone that tried to reach me would have to go through the whole maze to find me (that was my guard). It protected me from hard but also kept me far away from the people. After a lot of things happened, I felt trapped and alone but the truth was I had the keys to these places the whole time. It took someone walking through that maze to find me, for me to really free myself. The truth was that not trusting people was even more painful than getting hurt by someone I trusted, and that being alone tormented me more than anything they could do. Even though those places were awful, they are a good reminder of where I've been and how far I've come. Sometimes you just need a little help, to find your freedom. 4/14/2017 0 Comments Castle in Conan ExilesThis is the castle that my boyfriend and I built. We used the admin powers to do this because well farming this many materials would be crazy. Pretty sure it has been making the server lag because of all the condensed materials too (it is seriously massive). At first we actually had a tier 3 Mitra shrine in here but it kept being bugged and even though it was placed in the center it looked like it was off to the side with the fire in the correct spots but floating with no shrine below it (it was very strange). In the end we replaced it with the Yog tier 3 shrine because it fit better than the Set one. Along the pillars there are a bunch of candles (like prayer candles) and along the back wall too. The way it looks at night is very ominous with a creepy glow cast over the whole room. We even built a little village in the inner walls, it has its own church, tanner and trophies, armorer, blacksmith, carpenter, homes, and I may have made a strip club because I thought it was funny (Nips and Tips is its name, from what I understand Conan is a pretty brutal and sexual world so it only made sense...). Also in the back behind the church there is a tiny little house, where an assassin once was... leaving a bed roll and his daggers, no one knows where he went or who he was after. I had a really fun time making up a little story for this place and each buildings decorations are different. The dragon stables, we had an issue where passive mobs would despawn after awhile so this is where they are supposed to be but when the picture was taken they had despawned. Chompers, Spot, Snoopy, and Hercules are their names, the first 3 are hatchlings and the last one is a full grown red dragon. We wanted to name Snoopy, Chad but the sign freaked out with that name and it kept vibrating back and forth, it was very strange, the sign was just not okay with Chad lol. My boyfriend decided to make a secret bedroom for us and when he did the thralls were bugged (kept saying "bad entry") so he was testing them out hence the three dancers. We had dancers everywhere for a bit trying to spawn ones that I could pick up and move to the strip club. It may as well have been a dancer city for a bit there! And of course the castle defenses, there is actually a jumping puzzle under this as well but the lag was too much for a lot of people so doing it was not working it very well. Because of the scale of this castle it took a very long time to make and so many materials, I don't even want to know how many foundations we actually went through. In the end it turned out pretty cool though, and making it was definitely a unique experience!
I am terrible at relaxing, just awful at it. I want to be going, going, going all the time, every second I am awake. So those moments when I'm supposed to relax and just unwind are difficult for me, but somehow Guild Wars 2 brings out the peace in me. Something about the music, the zones, and how everyone works together just puts my soul at ease. These pictures feel like they could speak for themselves but they don't tell the whole story. How the music softly plays in the background, hitting the perfect notes to really bring this area to life, or how happy you are to see other people. I like doing the dynamic events when I come across them and sometimes I will be the first one there but usually a couple of people will show up along the way (it depends on the map really some of the lower level ones have less people than the more end content driven ones). It may not seem like part of it but my character's outfit (and ho ho tron) add to this peace for me. Each of my characters tell a different story, so none of them look alike. I have had this outfit on my elementalist for a long time now and it somehow suits her. There is something free and a little bit wild about the ele, and yet she is a goddess. Forever untamed and one with the elements. My mesmer on the other hand is my little doll, she is illusive and one you are unlikely to ever catch. She is a scholar and a trickster all in the same moment, the embodiment of wit.
There is so much joy in a good story and I think that is what I get lost in, it feels like every piece of this game is telling a story (especially if you played the first Guild Wars, there are a lot of little things that tell those stories of the past, like where my mesmer is in Fields of Ruin). I enjoy that there isn't one directive, that you are going out into the world and helping its people, and that the story of the game is told in every piece of it. I find peace in Guild Wars 2 because peace is the path (in PvE). 4/12/2017 0 Comments Guild Wars 2 MusicFirst off this is the Link to Arenanet's Soundcloud so you can understand what I'm talking about and take a listen if you'd like. This music is something I've come to know and love. The Heart of Thorns Theme makes me feel ready for battle, and has such an epic feel to it. Sometimes I will sit in a zone or on the character select screen just to listen to the music. I love the music and every time I hear it, it invokes memories and feelings I have about those places.
The music they have for different places and scenarios really helps to bring them to life. In Lion's Arch there is a sense of life in the music, and it feels like renewed hope. It feels like where you start your epic adventure. The combat music on the other hand has a sense of urgency. You feel the power behind the instruments and the speed helps to immerse you in that feeling of combat. In Divinity's Reach the music is soft, and almost haunted. It feels peaceful with a hint of sadness, like the city has seen something it wishes it would forget but still tries to keep the peace today. The snowy areas have a similar sound, with soft music, that plays lightly on your ears, and fills you with adventure. It feels like the music you would want to listen to on a cold winter night, sitting by the fire with cocoa in hand. Tarir has a sense of mystery and playfulness to its music. It has a curiosity, like Aurene as she is learning about this new world. It feels magical and happy, and reminds me a bit of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. It has the same type of wonder to it and I love that. Each area is full of unique music, and it is part of what makes Guild Wars 2 so beautiful. I mean it is a beautiful game just by the way it looks but the music adds to the aesthetic. It helps you to really get a sense of being there. In this moment, in this world. Even if you don't play Guild Wars 2 I would suggest taking a listen anyways. It is better in game though, so you will have all sorts of magical memories attached to the songs! I have a love hate relationships with server wipes. I dislike them because I have to start all over again but that is also why I like them. Sometimes life isn't easy, and you have to remake yourself, you essentially have to be your own tabula rasa (blank slate), but in the end it is worth it, and and you don't always have to lose everything to start fresh. Every time you start over you learn something from the previous time, and I feel you can actually learn more from starting over than fixing things along the way. For example I started a crocheting pattern for the big poro but decided to relearn it instead of going off of the original pattern and I feel like I learned more starting over than just fixing things along the way. There are a lots of times that I do this with my patterns, sometimes it just isn't working so I dismantle the whole thing and start again, learning from my previous mistakes.
It may not always be fun and can definitely be time consuming but each time we have to rebuild these bases we learn a lot. The first time we made this we didn't go off of one central point so everything was the wrong way. The walls weren't parallel with each other which caused the floor to be atrocious, with cracks everywhere and all sorts of unevenness it made my chest hurt because it looked so awful. But the second time we made a T shape going out so that way the walls and floors would all be even (a pretty good idea on my part if I do say so myself). This time we learned about making a great crafting room for things to run efficiently and how to change the path up so that it would be even harder for invaders to enter our base. Having to start over from the beginning can really be annoying but in the end it is worth it, and when you get to start fresh you are able to apply those things that you learned the last time more easily, because your previous mistakes are not getting in the way. It can be a tough lesson but starting over is okay, and in the end it can definitely be worth it. 4/10/2017 0 Comments ClarityYou know the moment between being really awake and asleep (after you've been awake awhile) where your mind slows down and you have absolute clarity? I used to strive for that moment, I remember when I was younger staying awake for hours after feeling like I could go to sleep to stay in that moment, where I felt like I could think about one thing at a time and my mind wasn't a complete mess. Now I try to control my mind better but sometimes it still feels like it is an office on fire with everyone throwing papers and running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Basically where chaos takes over and plays its own game, and while I have better control of my mind now, those moments of clarity are nice. That overly exhausted, one track thinking that is easy to follow, flowing from one thought to the next seamlessly. There is a simple kind of peace in that I'm not sure can be replicated.
Everyone thinks differently so feeling this way may not be the same but in some cases exhaustion may be my high. Drugs never did it for me (although I haven't tried many either), alcohol has some nasty side effects, and I'm not a fan of needing these things. I have my video games and that is my addiction but, they can't always sooth my mind, especially now, with worrying about extra things, and feeling a need to be politically correct all of the time. I think about at least five different scenarios for each thing I say on social media (unless I am very tired then honestly I don't give any fucks, but I don't think anyone who does when they are super tired so I'm not alone there lol). I am tired. I really am I'm tired of all the hate and chaos, of having to worry so much about saying something the right way, of all of the illogical decisions that have been made recently. These things make me look forward to those moments of clarity. I just want more of them, I want more peace, and listening, and truth. Those things aren't that difficult to find if we allow each other to tell the truth without instantly getting angry. Sometimes the truth sucks and it isn't the thing that we want to hear, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said, or that it should be censored. Awhile ago I was told I didn't know how to talk to transgender people and I suppose I don't because I was treating the transgender person (who said this) just like everyone else, and since that day I've held my tongue on a lot of things because I don't know how to talk to certain groups of people, no matter how kindly I try to say things. This idea that we are teaching each other to keep our thoughts to ourselves if they aren't the popular belief isn't healthy. We need to tell the truth more, we need to talk about things (Like adults, even though most of the time it is adults that aren't acting like adults, but you know what I mean, we need to talk about them calmly and actually listen). Probably one of the most interesting things that a psychology book taught was that we listen to respond, we do not listen to understand. And what they did was have one person talk about an issue, then had the other person repeat what they had just said before responding. Having to repeat what was said caused the person responding to have more clarity, because they were actually thinking about what had been said. I have no idea how I could get people to do this more but I would love to see it practiced more often. I would love to see more people actually listen to each other, and respond with a clear mind instead of an overly passionate one (I am all for passion but sometimes it can get us in trouble, when we only think of the situation from one view point). Think of what we could learn, and I wonder whose views would change in the process. Maybe to start truly listening we just need to realizing whether we are actually listening to understand or just listening to respond. Next time you are upset/angry try it (even if it has to be after the situation passed) ask yourself if you were really listening, and I wonder what you will find. I know doing that has helped me with a lot of situations, and I'm sure it will help me with many more (even if it is hard to admit that we weren't really listening some of those situations). |
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Me! Krystal :D Archives
January 2021
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