3/30/2017 0 Comments What I've been through bI don't talk about a lot of the stuff I've been through one because its in the past but mainly because I don't want to bring other people down, but it is important. What you go through makes you who you are as a person and I want to believe what I've been through happened for a reason. To start out when I was little I was an outcast, I always have been, I was good at sports but never cared enough about them to be part of the popular crowd. And at the school I went to there were two groups the popular kids and the outcasts. It hurt me but it didn't break me. I had one friend outside of school and she did not go to the same school. I wasn't sick as a child, I did manage to injure myself multiple times though. I had this terrible habit of bracing myself with only my right arm. Every single time I did something stupid on the playground I would land solely on my right arm and I broke it three times because of this (I don't know what my deal was but when I was little I just never learned to land properly when I was little). My bones were actually pretty strong as I loved milk but every single time I would put all of my weight/force into my right arm. All along this time my mom smoked and apparently bleached everything (she thought she was helping me and didn't realize how bad it was to kill all of germs, the smoking I resent but the bleach I don't because I knew she had the best intentions).
Then before high school my uncle died, but he was more like a grandfather. The only grandfather I knew on my mom's side (my mom's side was pretty fucked up, and she has been through so much it is kind of ridiculous). I remember him giving me this necklace with a promise to visit the Dakotas before he passed away. The necklace was the last thing I had to remember him by (and I was terribly upset when the chain broke, I managed to save the little cross pendant, and my mom put it on a new chain but it was never the same). He was the first death in the family that I experienced, and I took his death better than the others because I was too young to really understand fully and because I had less years with him in my life. There were other little things along the way when I went to grade school like my teachers being complete shit, I had one teacher yell at me so much and slam her hands on my desk because I was bad at spelling (and I was in second grade), another that would yell at us and actually grabbed a couple kids but the hood in a choking manor, and one that when I look back on it may have been a little pervy as he liked to pick up the little girls in kind of an odd way. This was all at a Lutheran school too. My mom also found out she had fibro around this time, and that started a pretty long journey for her. Once I started high school, things were just about the same there were the jocks and the outcasts, there wasn't really a middle ground which I always found weird but whatever. I hated that school and felt very alone as my only 2 friends went to the public high school and were very far away because of this. About around the middle of the year my mom had kidney failure (which I didn't know how bad it was at the time because my dad didn't tell me but she almost died), then I got so sick that I couldn't walk (I had mono, the flu, a cold and strep all at the same time, I don't remember anything from that time other than not being able to walk and feeling like dying). Then my dad had his brain aneurysm (this is where a blood vessel breaks in the brain, and it is very unlikely for someone to survive but he did). December 11th will forever be in my memory (and as a strange blessing God gave us my little cousin on that same day years later). He was there for 3 months and I don't remember much from this time period other than feeling very alone. I had to take care of the animals and go to school (going to school was my own choosing as I was in the middle of switching high schools, and I was pretty sure I would go crazy if I was all alone thinking about what my happen to my daddy all day. I was always a daddy's girl so this was particularly difficult for me, especially because of how long he was in the hospital and because of how many things went wrong). He almost died multiple times along the way, and what he remembers is going on boats to find his way home to me and my mom. The biggest issues he had were because of aspirating into his lungs which caused complications. I don't even remember all of the stuff that happened which often happens when you are going through so much that you can't properly cope with. I do remember being so excited that he was home that I wanted to celebrate Christmas (which we couldn't bare to celebrate without him, so the Christmas tree sat there waiting for about two and a half months), and he was so tired that it really wasn't much of a celebration and after I finished opening my presents he just went to the bed room to be left alone. It made me really sad in a way that I cannot really explain. Not long after this I started going out with my first boyfriend and he was my first true love, he unfortunately was anorexic and the more weight I lost (I was never over weight but I was at a nice healthy weight then). So to, did I become anorexic, and at first it was wonderful, finally in my life full of so many uncertainties I had control over something, having that little bit of control drove me to eat less and less and it didn't take long to fall down a very dark path. I stayed anorexic my whole time in high school and for a while after that. It wasn't long after I had started being anorexic, that we had to put our dog Jack to sleep. He was my brother, I had grown up with him pretty much as long as I remember, and we loved him dearly. He saved both my life and my grandmas. Mine when I was very little and had cellulitis in my eye (I only seemed normal sick at the time). He put his head on my feet, which was something very unusual for him and it was enough to take me to the doctor/hospital, where I stayed for a little while to get better and be monitored (it could have traveled to my brain and killed me). Then awhile after that he saved my grandma, she was smoking outside and fell off the little porch thing that we had and couldn't get back up. He insisted on going to my dad and getting him. The first time my dad didn't see her because she was wearing dark clothing (it was at night), but Jack was persistent and the second time my dad heard her and we rushed her to the hospital. He actually tried to warn us about my dad's aneurysm too but we didn't understand why he was acting to weird. For a week (or two I don't remember for sure how long he was acting weird) he kept trying to smoother my dad, he was all over him and just wouldn't leave him alone. This was the only time he ever was like that usually he listened very well, but he just bypassed that and kept on trying to tell us. He was never trained for any of this, he was just very special, so when he had to be put to sleep because he had lymphoma (a type of cancer that typically ends up going through out the whole body) we were devastated. My dad still recounts that as the worst day of his life. Family may not come the way you expect it but you can definitely find it in a lot of different place. After this my grandma (my mom's mom) was in and out of the hospital because of smoking related stuff, until she finally passed away. I don't remember much of this time because I didn't go with a lot of the time (she had dementia, so she didn't remember a lot and that was pretty hard to see). Then my grandpa died (my dad's dad) of a stroke, their deaths were about a month and a half apart so it devastated my parents, and I felt very alone during this time. My parents are not great communicators, they never were with each other so the house felt like three people living separate lives. After this I had two different abusive boyfriends. The first was just mentally abusive and not as bad, but the second was awful. This maybe a bit graphic for some but he would fuck me so hard that I would bleed, and then make me feel bad about it. He was a grade A manipulator and I lost all of my friends because of him. Likely the one good thing he did was get me into playing World of Warcraft and this game may have saved my life. I started smoking around this time as well and continued until I got my asthma and literally could not smoke anymore. I tried taking puffs of cigarette between nebulizer treatments and it didn't work. I had to stop out of necessity not choice, and it was still really hard, because cigs were like that frinemy, they were there for me when I felt like I had nothing but were also killing me (I'm still not sure how much harm they actually did since my mom is a smoker and the smoke gets in everything, and the second hand smoke is pretty much as bad as first hand but that is besides the point). My reasoning for starting smoking was was terrible too, I did it because I wanted to quit whenever I wanted because I didn't understand why it was so hard for my mom to quit. Stupid I know. I felt so alone at this point and could barely function. I had asthma attacks daily at school because of all the perfumy stuff (this includes lotions, shampoos, conditioners, laundry detergents, cleaners, and the list goes on and on). I was one two medications, and my nebulizer treatments every 4 hours and it just wasn't enough, and at this time my asthma was very violent. I coughed instead of wheezed, so I would pull muscles in my bad and rip up my throat from all of the coughing. I was goth during this time period and was taking a French class (a language I actually wanted to learn), and I told these girls to stop with the E news (they were gossiping about other people) and pay attention to the teacher one time (my teacher was very mousy and would just let them talk over her), and after that they made my life hell. Intentionally putting on perfumes and lotions to make me have asthma attacks, they even "joked" about killing me, and that is one of the things I still have a hard time with. It is really amazing how cruel people can be because of so little. I had to finish high school online because it got so bad, and was horribly sick for a month after I left, my body could not take it anymore, especially while I was still anorexic. Not long after this my grandma died (my dads mom), and I had a really hard time with this, I was close to my grandma and knew she loved me no matter what. I would spend a lot of time at their house when I was little and that love that she gave never let me. I was so broken at this point that I didn't even want to go to her funeral, I had a terrible panic attack (which my parents could have handled better because they thought I was just being ridiculous, sometimes I still feel bad about it because their loss was greater than mine, but I was so lost at this point, I was so broken, that I couldn't take anymore death). Somewhere in the time period before this my mom had potassium so low that she almost died, the nurses actually said that they had never seen someone alive with such low potassium before (I am not exactly sure when this happened though, some of the memories mesh together in time because so many things happened). For awhile after this I stayed anorexic, and it wasn't until my current boyfriend that I started getting better. He is my light when times feel darkest and we pulled each other out of these pits of despair that we were in. He helped me through so much of this, all of which I had been holding onto. He also helped me through the things that I went through after I met him. My kitty died a couple of weeks/days (I don't remember) before my 21st birthday. She was actually a little bit older than me when she passed away, and when I told her I loved her over the phone she did this very sweet little meow, like she understood. She was very special to me, we had formed a strong bond before I moved and even when I came to visit she was happy to see me (kind of unusual for a cat, to be happy to see you right off the bat, normally they are mad at you). She was a sweet kind soul that had a lot of sass, and I told her all the time that she was "the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world". For awhile after this I didn't have health insurance and was in horrible pain for months, I had to go in and out of the ER because I didn't know what was going on, every month around the same time, I felt like I was dying (at this point I had started getting much better, both with the anorexia and the mental health, so this horrible pain was a big slap in the face). I had no idea where to turn, so I did a lot of research and figured out that I had endometrosis (it is where tissue grows where it isn't supposed to). Finally I got health insurance and for a year, they did test after test and found nothing. Finally they said lets do an exploratory laparoscopy and see what we find, and to the gynecologist surprise I had endometrosis (I felt very vindicated). Things were starting to get better after they finally figured out what was going on, during this year I was also having a lot of issues with my wisdom teeth (they were all coming in crooked) and had to see an emergency dentist to get them pulled. They took out three at one time, and the girl who did it should have had a surgeon help her (she was a student) but thought she was good enough to do it by herself, she was wrong. I had to come back three times (once for each tooth) because things were still going wrong, and this was what caused my TMJ. Upsetting to say the least. Now I was scared after this to get the last one pulled by finally had to as it was badly impacted and causing me a ton of pain. The next girl who did this used the wrong tool for an hour and a half. For one tooth to be pulled it took 2 hours and was only successfully pulled by the surgeon (why he didn't step in sooner I don't know). Now after this every time I had to go back to this dentist I would have a panic attack. I was scared shitless and in a ton of pain still. Finally when they said they had no idea what was wrong I gave up and tried to find somewhere else. This dentist was good and nice at first, he filled a couple of cavities and was like oh your in so much pain because your jaw bones are contently grinding together (something the other dentist did not notice at all, or even think to look at). He was all fine and good until I had to get a root canal done, they referred me to someone and the place was awful, it was crazy sketchy and they had to have a window open and have an oxygen mask on me to do the procedure because of how perfumy it was. I told them three times that I had had a lot of problems with my teeth and not to leave the filling high, and they just didn't listen left it high and it caused, the tooth to have a hairline fracture (the next dentist I went to, to have it removed actually did it in ten minutes it was crazy, after all the trouble I had, had it was pretty unexpected for it to go so smoothly). The new dentist that referred me would not fix it even though I told them that I could not go back to that place and pleaded with them. They hung up on me multiple times (I was pretty afraid of the dentist after this point but my new dentist actually helped me get over that, they take care of a lot of people who have had terrible experiences with other dentist, and to my amazement actually listen). As a side note but an important one through all of these procedures I was awake so I felt and saw all of it. Now in between my tooth finally getting pulled and going through multiple dentist, I had four of my pets die. All of them died pretty close together and it happened in less than a year, and this was a huge blow, especially because I didn't get to say goodbye to two of them (and they were like my pets, my parents and I each had animals that were more like our pets, basically we each had a very strong bond with them and they loved us more than the other people). It happened so fast that once I was finally starting to heal from one passing another did, and another and another. It took an emotional toll on me especially because two of them were still pretty young and I really thought I was going to see them again. This leads up to the exhaustion and pain I've been having. I don't know where my story will go from here or what is going on. But I will keep fighting as long as I have to and eventually will figure out what is going on. Until then I am continuing to work on me, emotional and physically.
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