6/10/2017 1 Comment So Many QuestionsSoftly I breath,
Lost in thought, the world spins around me but all I can see is what I think My perception, my reality. I try, I really do to think of it from so many angles but is it enough? Is it every angle or just enough to make me comfortable with my perspective I over think everything, over and over again rewriting the story Changing my image of reality How can I be true when my truths may not even be? Is any of it real? Or is like watching a Tv show, everything happening around me but never present in the action. What is my purpose, am I meant to be lost in this ocean or should I swim? Can you see me? The real me? What am I to you? Who am I to you? My version of me feels more complete but if I cannot touch my spirit, my soul, how does it exist? Are we even really separate or all connected? Do you feel it? The energy coming off the person next to you. We are connected, I feel it. I feel that warmth, the wealth of emotions. I feel their soul, and see it in their eyes. Who am I? I am nothing and everything. I am a piece of a much greater puzzle, whether I am just a blob of color or the piece that completes the picture is up to me My version of reality is all I will ever know, My perspective is my truth, but that doesn't mean it can't change. It doesn't mean I've stopped learning, I want my truth to be the truth but I will not force it. I will accept what I've learned, with a critical mind and always ask why. I will be a bit of everything. I will be human, and I will be love, and that is what brings me life and it is my purpose.
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4/17/2017 0 Comments Don't listen to the DemonFor a long time I thought my mind was just a jerk, I really did I was like why are you doing this to me?? Why would I treat myself like this when I can't fathom treating others this way, it took me a really long time to separate myself from thoaw demona. I used to picture it as a werewolf or vampire that I was haunted by and that would try to drag me down into the darkness and despair and I thought that was me. But it wasn't, it was whispers from all of the bad things that happened in my life. We can get so lost and wrapped up in the bad things that have happened that they become a new entity, and sometimes we can only really realize how haunted we were by it once we have a chance to step back and see it from someone else's perspective. I personally have carried around a lot of baggage stuff that was too heavy to lift at some points, so I just stayed stuck with it. Waiting for a kind soul to come along and help me pick it up.
The truth is until you separate yourself from these abusive thoughts that you cannot really deal with it, because when you believe you are the abuser you can't get away from that. You are stuck with yourself, so you have to let that light out inside yourself and believe in yourself. You have to trust in the idea that it isn't you and that things can change, that you can change your mind because it is your own and not an accumulation of those bad thoughts. It is easy to get conditioned by the bad things that you hear, especially if you hear them over and over again, but just because it is said many times doesn't give it validity. The truth is there regardless of whether it is known or not and you have to give yourself a chance to feel those good things and to realize all of the wonderful things about yourself. No matter what, you have something to offer the world that is beautiful, honest, and needed. Give yourself the chance to find out what that is. Well to start My Own Prison by Creed was my favorite song, and it has a lot to do with how I envisioned my own prison to look. At one point I wanted to paint/draw it because there was something painfully beautiful about it, but another part of me never wanted to bring that prison into real life.
There were two different ways that I saw my prison, the first was this cage attached to a cliff, with bars that would electrocute me when I tried to touch them and vines around everything. The vines were holding me to the cliff, their thorns piercing my skin, and blood staining my beautiful, flowing white dress. Though I was in so much pain I would never scream, silent in my torment, and with every move to freedom I would cut myself deeper on each thorn. Locked away in this prison I would cry and was in so much torment that it felt like I was losing my mind. There was always something so haunted about this place and beyond the bars I saw nothing, just darkness, only my little cell was lit. The other place was this maze, the type of maze in the labyrinth but darker. There was no light cascaded in from the sky only wall lamps to guide the way. In the middle of this maze is where I was a giant tree looming over head and I was a child in another white dress, always too afraid to venture away from this giant tree. It kept me safe in my darkness, and was there to comfort me when I felt so alone. Anyone that tried to reach me would have to go through the whole maze to find me (that was my guard). It protected me from hard but also kept me far away from the people. After a lot of things happened, I felt trapped and alone but the truth was I had the keys to these places the whole time. It took someone walking through that maze to find me, for me to really free myself. The truth was that not trusting people was even more painful than getting hurt by someone I trusted, and that being alone tormented me more than anything they could do. Even though those places were awful, they are a good reminder of where I've been and how far I've come. Sometimes you just need a little help, to find your freedom. 4/10/2017 0 Comments ClarityYou know the moment between being really awake and asleep (after you've been awake awhile) where your mind slows down and you have absolute clarity? I used to strive for that moment, I remember when I was younger staying awake for hours after feeling like I could go to sleep to stay in that moment, where I felt like I could think about one thing at a time and my mind wasn't a complete mess. Now I try to control my mind better but sometimes it still feels like it is an office on fire with everyone throwing papers and running around like chickens with their heads cut off. Basically where chaos takes over and plays its own game, and while I have better control of my mind now, those moments of clarity are nice. That overly exhausted, one track thinking that is easy to follow, flowing from one thought to the next seamlessly. There is a simple kind of peace in that I'm not sure can be replicated.
Everyone thinks differently so feeling this way may not be the same but in some cases exhaustion may be my high. Drugs never did it for me (although I haven't tried many either), alcohol has some nasty side effects, and I'm not a fan of needing these things. I have my video games and that is my addiction but, they can't always sooth my mind, especially now, with worrying about extra things, and feeling a need to be politically correct all of the time. I think about at least five different scenarios for each thing I say on social media (unless I am very tired then honestly I don't give any fucks, but I don't think anyone who does when they are super tired so I'm not alone there lol). I am tired. I really am I'm tired of all the hate and chaos, of having to worry so much about saying something the right way, of all of the illogical decisions that have been made recently. These things make me look forward to those moments of clarity. I just want more of them, I want more peace, and listening, and truth. Those things aren't that difficult to find if we allow each other to tell the truth without instantly getting angry. Sometimes the truth sucks and it isn't the thing that we want to hear, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be said, or that it should be censored. Awhile ago I was told I didn't know how to talk to transgender people and I suppose I don't because I was treating the transgender person (who said this) just like everyone else, and since that day I've held my tongue on a lot of things because I don't know how to talk to certain groups of people, no matter how kindly I try to say things. This idea that we are teaching each other to keep our thoughts to ourselves if they aren't the popular belief isn't healthy. We need to tell the truth more, we need to talk about things (Like adults, even though most of the time it is adults that aren't acting like adults, but you know what I mean, we need to talk about them calmly and actually listen). Probably one of the most interesting things that a psychology book taught was that we listen to respond, we do not listen to understand. And what they did was have one person talk about an issue, then had the other person repeat what they had just said before responding. Having to repeat what was said caused the person responding to have more clarity, because they were actually thinking about what had been said. I have no idea how I could get people to do this more but I would love to see it practiced more often. I would love to see more people actually listen to each other, and respond with a clear mind instead of an overly passionate one (I am all for passion but sometimes it can get us in trouble, when we only think of the situation from one view point). Think of what we could learn, and I wonder whose views would change in the process. Maybe to start truly listening we just need to realizing whether we are actually listening to understand or just listening to respond. Next time you are upset/angry try it (even if it has to be after the situation passed) ask yourself if you were really listening, and I wonder what you will find. I know doing that has helped me with a lot of situations, and I'm sure it will help me with many more (even if it is hard to admit that we weren't really listening some of those situations). 4/2/2017 2 Comments My Depression made me StrongI know the title leaves a lot of questions but it is one of those things that you don't realize how strong you are until you climb out of that hole. I went through a lot, but the thing is that I got through it. Having a past that was so dark and bleak makes me appreciate the light even more so. It is like when it is super cold in winter and you miss the summer days and those first warm days you really appreciate, more than every other warm day after that, but with this I don't feel like that appreciation fades, not to the same extent. My weakness made me strong, I don't know who said it but "A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor" rings all too true for me. I know that I can get through whatever is thrown at me now because I've gotten through much worse.
I am, I would say spiritual (not much of an organized religion person, I've seen too much corruption for that) and that was one of those things that kept me around through some of my worst moments (and my parents, they've always loved me very much even if they weren't always the best at being there for me, they weren't great at being there for themselves or each other either, they don't have the best communication skills). Regardless, I always knew I was loved. Even though that was a dark and lonely time, I also learned how to survive by myself because of it. Being stuck with the demons was probably one of the worst experiences, the bad things that happened were awful but what was worse what those little voices making each situation seem more terrible than it actually was. The ones that haunt you and you really start to believe, the more they whisper in your ears. Eventually you have to learn that those little voices aren't real, they are just the demons trying to haunt you, trying to corrupt your thinking, but they are not you. You aren't the one saying those things, you aren't the bad person, that thinks those terrible things, and once you learn to separate yourself from those things they become much easier to deal with. If you think that it is you doing it, it is much easier to feel like you deserve whatever those voices say, but if you look at them differently and realize they are separate they can just be that "person" you don't like, the one that will eventually leave your life. My depression, and all the turmoil I faced made me strong, because it taught me so many lessons early in life. I have a never surrender attitude because of this. I had help to get out of this hole but learning to deal with the demons was on my own. No one can make the choices for you to change, to look at things from a different perspective, that has to come from you, and it is important. This terrible bit that you maybe going through, it won't last (if you've gone through something terrible I'm sure you know how true this is). Just remember that, that terrible time will make you stronger (that doesn't mean put yourself through hell to learn this) but it does mean that tomorrow is a new day, and that everything can and will change. It is up to you to make that change what you want. A brighter tomorrow is just around the corner if you are willing to work for it. 3/30/2017 0 Comments What I've been through bI don't talk about a lot of the stuff I've been through one because its in the past but mainly because I don't want to bring other people down, but it is important. What you go through makes you who you are as a person and I want to believe what I've been through happened for a reason. To start out when I was little I was an outcast, I always have been, I was good at sports but never cared enough about them to be part of the popular crowd. And at the school I went to there were two groups the popular kids and the outcasts. It hurt me but it didn't break me. I had one friend outside of school and she did not go to the same school. I wasn't sick as a child, I did manage to injure myself multiple times though. I had this terrible habit of bracing myself with only my right arm. Every single time I did something stupid on the playground I would land solely on my right arm and I broke it three times because of this (I don't know what my deal was but when I was little I just never learned to land properly when I was little). My bones were actually pretty strong as I loved milk but every single time I would put all of my weight/force into my right arm. All along this time my mom smoked and apparently bleached everything (she thought she was helping me and didn't realize how bad it was to kill all of germs, the smoking I resent but the bleach I don't because I knew she had the best intentions).
Then before high school my uncle died, but he was more like a grandfather. The only grandfather I knew on my mom's side (my mom's side was pretty fucked up, and she has been through so much it is kind of ridiculous). I remember him giving me this necklace with a promise to visit the Dakotas before he passed away. The necklace was the last thing I had to remember him by (and I was terribly upset when the chain broke, I managed to save the little cross pendant, and my mom put it on a new chain but it was never the same). He was the first death in the family that I experienced, and I took his death better than the others because I was too young to really understand fully and because I had less years with him in my life. There were other little things along the way when I went to grade school like my teachers being complete shit, I had one teacher yell at me so much and slam her hands on my desk because I was bad at spelling (and I was in second grade), another that would yell at us and actually grabbed a couple kids but the hood in a choking manor, and one that when I look back on it may have been a little pervy as he liked to pick up the little girls in kind of an odd way. This was all at a Lutheran school too. My mom also found out she had fibro around this time, and that started a pretty long journey for her. Once I started high school, things were just about the same there were the jocks and the outcasts, there wasn't really a middle ground which I always found weird but whatever. I hated that school and felt very alone as my only 2 friends went to the public high school and were very far away because of this. About around the middle of the year my mom had kidney failure (which I didn't know how bad it was at the time because my dad didn't tell me but she almost died), then I got so sick that I couldn't walk (I had mono, the flu, a cold and strep all at the same time, I don't remember anything from that time other than not being able to walk and feeling like dying). Then my dad had his brain aneurysm (this is where a blood vessel breaks in the brain, and it is very unlikely for someone to survive but he did). December 11th will forever be in my memory (and as a strange blessing God gave us my little cousin on that same day years later). He was there for 3 months and I don't remember much from this time period other than feeling very alone. I had to take care of the animals and go to school (going to school was my own choosing as I was in the middle of switching high schools, and I was pretty sure I would go crazy if I was all alone thinking about what my happen to my daddy all day. I was always a daddy's girl so this was particularly difficult for me, especially because of how long he was in the hospital and because of how many things went wrong). He almost died multiple times along the way, and what he remembers is going on boats to find his way home to me and my mom. The biggest issues he had were because of aspirating into his lungs which caused complications. I don't even remember all of the stuff that happened which often happens when you are going through so much that you can't properly cope with. I do remember being so excited that he was home that I wanted to celebrate Christmas (which we couldn't bare to celebrate without him, so the Christmas tree sat there waiting for about two and a half months), and he was so tired that it really wasn't much of a celebration and after I finished opening my presents he just went to the bed room to be left alone. It made me really sad in a way that I cannot really explain. Not long after this I started going out with my first boyfriend and he was my first true love, he unfortunately was anorexic and the more weight I lost (I was never over weight but I was at a nice healthy weight then). So to, did I become anorexic, and at first it was wonderful, finally in my life full of so many uncertainties I had control over something, having that little bit of control drove me to eat less and less and it didn't take long to fall down a very dark path. I stayed anorexic my whole time in high school and for a while after that. It wasn't long after I had started being anorexic, that we had to put our dog Jack to sleep. He was my brother, I had grown up with him pretty much as long as I remember, and we loved him dearly. He saved both my life and my grandmas. Mine when I was very little and had cellulitis in my eye (I only seemed normal sick at the time). He put his head on my feet, which was something very unusual for him and it was enough to take me to the doctor/hospital, where I stayed for a little while to get better and be monitored (it could have traveled to my brain and killed me). Then awhile after that he saved my grandma, she was smoking outside and fell off the little porch thing that we had and couldn't get back up. He insisted on going to my dad and getting him. The first time my dad didn't see her because she was wearing dark clothing (it was at night), but Jack was persistent and the second time my dad heard her and we rushed her to the hospital. He actually tried to warn us about my dad's aneurysm too but we didn't understand why he was acting to weird. For a week (or two I don't remember for sure how long he was acting weird) he kept trying to smoother my dad, he was all over him and just wouldn't leave him alone. This was the only time he ever was like that usually he listened very well, but he just bypassed that and kept on trying to tell us. He was never trained for any of this, he was just very special, so when he had to be put to sleep because he had lymphoma (a type of cancer that typically ends up going through out the whole body) we were devastated. My dad still recounts that as the worst day of his life. Family may not come the way you expect it but you can definitely find it in a lot of different place. After this my grandma (my mom's mom) was in and out of the hospital because of smoking related stuff, until she finally passed away. I don't remember much of this time because I didn't go with a lot of the time (she had dementia, so she didn't remember a lot and that was pretty hard to see). Then my grandpa died (my dad's dad) of a stroke, their deaths were about a month and a half apart so it devastated my parents, and I felt very alone during this time. My parents are not great communicators, they never were with each other so the house felt like three people living separate lives. After this I had two different abusive boyfriends. The first was just mentally abusive and not as bad, but the second was awful. This maybe a bit graphic for some but he would fuck me so hard that I would bleed, and then make me feel bad about it. He was a grade A manipulator and I lost all of my friends because of him. Likely the one good thing he did was get me into playing World of Warcraft and this game may have saved my life. I started smoking around this time as well and continued until I got my asthma and literally could not smoke anymore. I tried taking puffs of cigarette between nebulizer treatments and it didn't work. I had to stop out of necessity not choice, and it was still really hard, because cigs were like that frinemy, they were there for me when I felt like I had nothing but were also killing me (I'm still not sure how much harm they actually did since my mom is a smoker and the smoke gets in everything, and the second hand smoke is pretty much as bad as first hand but that is besides the point). My reasoning for starting smoking was was terrible too, I did it because I wanted to quit whenever I wanted because I didn't understand why it was so hard for my mom to quit. Stupid I know. I felt so alone at this point and could barely function. I had asthma attacks daily at school because of all the perfumy stuff (this includes lotions, shampoos, conditioners, laundry detergents, cleaners, and the list goes on and on). I was one two medications, and my nebulizer treatments every 4 hours and it just wasn't enough, and at this time my asthma was very violent. I coughed instead of wheezed, so I would pull muscles in my bad and rip up my throat from all of the coughing. I was goth during this time period and was taking a French class (a language I actually wanted to learn), and I told these girls to stop with the E news (they were gossiping about other people) and pay attention to the teacher one time (my teacher was very mousy and would just let them talk over her), and after that they made my life hell. Intentionally putting on perfumes and lotions to make me have asthma attacks, they even "joked" about killing me, and that is one of the things I still have a hard time with. It is really amazing how cruel people can be because of so little. I had to finish high school online because it got so bad, and was horribly sick for a month after I left, my body could not take it anymore, especially while I was still anorexic. Not long after this my grandma died (my dads mom), and I had a really hard time with this, I was close to my grandma and knew she loved me no matter what. I would spend a lot of time at their house when I was little and that love that she gave never let me. I was so broken at this point that I didn't even want to go to her funeral, I had a terrible panic attack (which my parents could have handled better because they thought I was just being ridiculous, sometimes I still feel bad about it because their loss was greater than mine, but I was so lost at this point, I was so broken, that I couldn't take anymore death). Somewhere in the time period before this my mom had potassium so low that she almost died, the nurses actually said that they had never seen someone alive with such low potassium before (I am not exactly sure when this happened though, some of the memories mesh together in time because so many things happened). For awhile after this I stayed anorexic, and it wasn't until my current boyfriend that I started getting better. He is my light when times feel darkest and we pulled each other out of these pits of despair that we were in. He helped me through so much of this, all of which I had been holding onto. He also helped me through the things that I went through after I met him. My kitty died a couple of weeks/days (I don't remember) before my 21st birthday. She was actually a little bit older than me when she passed away, and when I told her I loved her over the phone she did this very sweet little meow, like she understood. She was very special to me, we had formed a strong bond before I moved and even when I came to visit she was happy to see me (kind of unusual for a cat, to be happy to see you right off the bat, normally they are mad at you). She was a sweet kind soul that had a lot of sass, and I told her all the time that she was "the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world". For awhile after this I didn't have health insurance and was in horrible pain for months, I had to go in and out of the ER because I didn't know what was going on, every month around the same time, I felt like I was dying (at this point I had started getting much better, both with the anorexia and the mental health, so this horrible pain was a big slap in the face). I had no idea where to turn, so I did a lot of research and figured out that I had endometrosis (it is where tissue grows where it isn't supposed to). Finally I got health insurance and for a year, they did test after test and found nothing. Finally they said lets do an exploratory laparoscopy and see what we find, and to the gynecologist surprise I had endometrosis (I felt very vindicated). Things were starting to get better after they finally figured out what was going on, during this year I was also having a lot of issues with my wisdom teeth (they were all coming in crooked) and had to see an emergency dentist to get them pulled. They took out three at one time, and the girl who did it should have had a surgeon help her (she was a student) but thought she was good enough to do it by herself, she was wrong. I had to come back three times (once for each tooth) because things were still going wrong, and this was what caused my TMJ. Upsetting to say the least. Now I was scared after this to get the last one pulled by finally had to as it was badly impacted and causing me a ton of pain. The next girl who did this used the wrong tool for an hour and a half. For one tooth to be pulled it took 2 hours and was only successfully pulled by the surgeon (why he didn't step in sooner I don't know). Now after this every time I had to go back to this dentist I would have a panic attack. I was scared shitless and in a ton of pain still. Finally when they said they had no idea what was wrong I gave up and tried to find somewhere else. This dentist was good and nice at first, he filled a couple of cavities and was like oh your in so much pain because your jaw bones are contently grinding together (something the other dentist did not notice at all, or even think to look at). He was all fine and good until I had to get a root canal done, they referred me to someone and the place was awful, it was crazy sketchy and they had to have a window open and have an oxygen mask on me to do the procedure because of how perfumy it was. I told them three times that I had had a lot of problems with my teeth and not to leave the filling high, and they just didn't listen left it high and it caused, the tooth to have a hairline fracture (the next dentist I went to, to have it removed actually did it in ten minutes it was crazy, after all the trouble I had, had it was pretty unexpected for it to go so smoothly). The new dentist that referred me would not fix it even though I told them that I could not go back to that place and pleaded with them. They hung up on me multiple times (I was pretty afraid of the dentist after this point but my new dentist actually helped me get over that, they take care of a lot of people who have had terrible experiences with other dentist, and to my amazement actually listen). As a side note but an important one through all of these procedures I was awake so I felt and saw all of it. Now in between my tooth finally getting pulled and going through multiple dentist, I had four of my pets die. All of them died pretty close together and it happened in less than a year, and this was a huge blow, especially because I didn't get to say goodbye to two of them (and they were like my pets, my parents and I each had animals that were more like our pets, basically we each had a very strong bond with them and they loved us more than the other people). It happened so fast that once I was finally starting to heal from one passing another did, and another and another. It took an emotional toll on me especially because two of them were still pretty young and I really thought I was going to see them again. This leads up to the exhaustion and pain I've been having. I don't know where my story will go from here or what is going on. But I will keep fighting as long as I have to and eventually will figure out what is going on. Until then I am continuing to work on me, emotional and physically. 3/24/2017 0 Comments Coming UndoneI thought hey lets mix it up and do a blog based off of the first song that comes on on Pandora. It just so happened to be Coming Undone by Korn. I used to associate with this song really well. During High School there was a mix of abusive relationships, deaths in the family, anorexia, and some bullying. I felt like I was drowning, High School was a time I would never want to go back to. A time that made me feel so small I feel a bit ashamed to talk about it.
It is also a time that made me strong. I survived, I survived all of it some of the hardest things that I will probably face in my life and I survived all of them. All of my Grandparents died when I was in High School, both of my parents almost died (my mom twice, my dad once) and my Uncle right before I got into High School, along with the dog that was my brother and who saved my life. That's kind of a lot to be mashed into about 4 years. So of course this song felt like something I could relate to, I felt like my world was crumbling around me. But because of each of those experiences I am stronger. I know some people have had it worse than me but that doesn't change that it was still a lot, or that I am stronger because of it. Some experiences are terrible, they really suck and it feels like you will never get through them, but you will. As long as you don't give up you will get through, whatever terrible event is happening. I know you will because I did, and I'm sure that a lot of people would say the same. If you do go through something terrible/are going through something terrible, please do something different than I did. I held onto those burdens for so long because I didn't talk about it. I didn't let myself feel, it is so important cope with your emotions. If something if hurting you talk to whoever is doing it or someone you can trust. If that doesn't work find a way to express yourself, through writing, drawing, or some creative release. I held onto those burdens for longer than I should have because I felt like I had to be strong for my family, but in the process I hurt myself. I went to anorexia which now I still have some health issues because of (it is literally starving your organs, so I don't know what else I expected but it was also the only thing I felt like I had control of). -100/10 I would never do again nor would I EVER advise as a way to cope. It is very important to find healthy ways to cope with pain, if you don't know how look online, or in books there are tons of help books. If you ever feel lost or unsure of how to deal with a situation or your emotions to it take the time to find out what you can do, and I mean this to everyone. It is much healthier to deal with emotions and painful events than it is to just bottle it up. If you don't you may explode like a bottle that has been shaken too many times. As a last thought, I promise you things get better, just have faith that they will get better, and take the time to learn how to emotionally cope with those situations/events. 3/23/2017 2 Comments Unpopular OpinionsI don't know about you but especially with this election season I've been feeling lost. Lost in all the hate and anger. In the war between parties, but I don't even know why people are fighting each other. Both options were bad so I'm not even sure how we ended up here. I am genuinely worried, worried about what is to come because of these decisions. I have been trying to keep the peace in my soul but it is hard when there is so much fighting going on. I don't even understand why these intelligent people I know would so fiercely defend people they know aren't good. There is this thought that we have to choose the "lesser of two evils" but why? Honestly why, why are we just accepting this? "Because it is the way its always been" (this is the most dangerous phrase in the English language).
There are so many "problems" that people worry about that shouldn't even be problems, because everyone cares way to damn much what other people are doing. Honestly I don't care if someone is gay, bi, straight, or any other way they identify sexually (you could consider yourself a cheeto, I don't care). I don't care about peoples skin colors, I don't care about their genders, I just don't care. It is none of my damn business, if they aren't hurting anyone (and no hurting anyone doesn't constitute as them just doing something someone else dislikes even though it really has nothing to do with them). There are so many stupid things that are issues that shouldn't be honestly. It isn't someone skin color that makes them "bad" it is the culture they grow up in. Poor culture is very different from middle class. What these groups of people have to go through is very different (and don't even get me started on the rich, especially those from old money). The culture of growing up in a war zone is very different from living in mostly peace. These people need help. The people who are doing bad shit, they are mentally unstable, because happy or mentally stable people at least, they don't go out of their way to hurt other people. In the recent past it hasn't been with guns even its been with cars, and explosives and anything that can be used as a weapon, because its not about the weapon its about the person. If a person really wants to murder another person they will find a way. We need to be focusing on mental health to fix this. I don't know why we aren't focusing on it more, it is probably more important than our physical health as it can determine our physical health. I don't even understand why people care so much about someone else sexual orientation, and I'm Christian. Trying to "fix" someone and make them heterosexual just makes things worse and puts the person in an even worse place. It also pushes them farther away from faith (something that irritates me the most, people that say they are Christian but just seem to do everything in their power to push others away from faith). That shit really pisses me off. I am just so sick of this shit. I am trying to be positive over here, and make the world a better place, but that is hard when people are so hell bent on being upset. Honest to God it seems like there are so many people who just want to be angry loathsome people (I mean look at who our president is). I don't like using the word stupid, I truly don't because I want to see the good in everyone and maybe they just shine at something else, but honestly how much stupidity is going around makes me upset. It feels like people are doing two things over and over again. Not looking at the situation from someone else perspective and letting their emotions drive them. I do believe that we should show our emotions and shouldn't hold them in but being so emotion about every situation, come on get it together and think about it logically. People seem like they are just running around like chickens with their heads cut off just letting emotions drive them. Instead of all this bickering, we should find solutions, because sitting here and fighting stupid wars on the internet isn't changing anything. You can't push hate and anger and expect love and joy. "Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only light can do that" ~Martin Luther King Jr. Please, lets just breath, and then find some actual solutions to what is going on. It is important. Mental health is something that is almost laughed at and has been treated poorly through out history. The insane asylums were pretty scary. A person's mental health impacts everything they do. The saying "misery loves company" comes from somewhere. This idea that a person (normally a guy) shouldn't show their emotions is crazy and pretty unhealthy. We should be talking about things more, but we need to do that as adults. This means sitting down and actually listening to each other not listening to respond, and what I mean by that is very important. When you are talking to someone who you disagree with do you really hear them? Or do you stop listening once they say something offends you and are just waiting to fire back a response? More than likely you are doing the second, we all do. Humans are passionate beings but sometimes we let that passion override out thoughts and our capacity to think logically. Controlling our emotions and more importantly understanding them is something very important. You know that one thing that really bothers you and is eating away at your soul but you say nothing about? That isn't healthy and I know we don't like conflict but holding the conflict within ourselves is just as bad. If you don't know why something is eating you up inside take the time to figure it out. I can't tell you the way to do this because for everyone it is different and what bothers them is different, but if there is someone hurting you and they don't know they are doing that it is probably time to tell them. The other thing about this is, is what your feeling really important or are you making a bigger deal out of something because of something else? A lot of times our past can come back to haunt us especially if we've had traumatic experiences that doesn't mean that the situation in the present is really that bad, but it is easy to get worked up over nothing because of this. For example, I had a lot of shit happen when I was in high school and for a long time I let those experiences haunt me to the point that I was putting them on my boyfriend. I would get upset over nothing, over some misconception I created in my brain, instead of just asking him why he did something or talking to him and saying "can you please not do this because ect..." and it wasn't healthy. So, as some advice if you are upset about something first ask the person who is making you upset why they did something and you might often find that there was nothing to be upset about in the first place. If you do have real reason to be upset talk to the person but do it when you are calm going into a screaming/crying match isn't going to help anything. It is okay to talk to people if they are doing something that bothers you, but don't expect everyone to change because they are doing something you don't like. In some instance you may have to accept that people are going to do things you don't like and that is up to you to control how you feel about that. Closing thoughts, if you do nothing to change you situation nothing will change. So if you want something to be better you have to take the time to change it, and is important that you do so. If you want something you have to go and do the work to get it, mental health included. You will have to be alone with you so much sure you like who you are. CategoriesAll Crochet Guild Wars 2 League Of Legends Life Overwatch World Of Warcraft 3/14/2017 0 Comments The Bright SideI know that sometimes it feels like life is getting you down and that everything is going wrong but it is important to look on the bright side! That doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel emotions, like the grief you feel after a family member or pet dies. Those are very important emotions that you need to deal with to heal. But it does mean not letting the little things get you down, like a realizing you are out of toothpaste, someone being an asshole and cutting you off while driving, someone being a jerk on the internet and so on. The things that won't matter in ten years, those things are the ones that you need to let go of, because holding onto them is only hurting you.
So ,how do you change your attitude about those things because no one likes having those little annoying things happen. Sometimes it take time to learn how to let go of these little things but the best way I've found is changing the situation in my head. Instead of paying attention to the things that annoy me, I pay attention to something good that has happened recently and it can be something small but something I really appreciate. Like just getting food from the grocery store or having something I'm looking forward to eating later, getting a sale that I am excited about, making something and having the person love it and so on. There are many wonderful things happening every day and it is important to be grateful for those things. I found a sweatshirt on sale for $4 a little bit ago and I am super happy about that. Some of my long sleeve shirts are pretty holey and getting a new one for so cheap is a pretty big deal. It may not seem like much to some people but if you enjoy the little victories in life, you will enjoy life more. I am someone who is pretty easy to please and that is great. I consider going out and doing errands dates with my boyfriend, getting a pomegranate as a pretty special present, and love crocheting (all around it is a wonderful experience) and my life is happier because of that. It is happier because I choose to see it that way and that is a wonderful choice to make :). |
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Me! Krystal :D Archives
January 2021
CategoriesAll Conan Crochet Fanficion Guild Wars 2 Guild-wars-2 League Of Legends Life Overwatch World Of Warcraft World-of-warcraft |